Tuesday 15 January 2008

More on the eating disorders topic

More on the about Eating disorders topic
..>

The first part below needs to be read first btw.
Unfortunately, competition among people with eating disorders is rampant. It is a part of the nature of the illness... to judge ourselves constantly (what an ultimate waste of time, by the way!) and to judge ourselves against others. One place where this competition can flourish is in an Eating Disorder Support Group. All of the eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia and compulsive eating) are vulnerable to the competition trap. Mainly because it is EASIER to spend the group time comparing oneself to another than to FOCUS on the emotions and therapy that is going on in the room. There is no easy way around this phenomenon. It can be very powerful to talk about the competitive feelings one of the group members is having. Usually there are many others who feel the same and this opens a discussion among the group which allows for honesty and openness in a safe place. If you are in an Eating Disorder Support Group and this issue has not been talked about yet, I encourage you to bring it up as a subject of conversation.
Do NOT let the existance of competition discourage you from getting help! Eating Disorder Support Groups have tremendous healing power and it is unfair to use the competition part of the illness to stop you from having a fair chance at living a better life!!
Part of healing and LETTING GO of disordered eating is to talk about your competitive thoughts and feelings. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way, but it is something that ought to be talked about. There is something underneath those competitive thoughts... often feelings of not being "good enough" (not good enough as an anorexic, not good enough as a non-anorexic, not good enough at anything... it feels like a trap, doesn't it?) are behind the competition. The irony is that we are all looking at one another and utilizing one another to feel worse about ourselves, thinking all the while that the other person is "better" then we are. They are thinking the same thing! So NO ONE ends up winning.
Instead we all just feel bad collectively. We are often able to care about each other but not about ourselves. I would encourage you to try to think of yourself as one of those people suffering that you care about and want to help. Imagine that you appear to them as they appear to you... as a kind loving person who is suffering and dying needlessly. How would you support them? Apply those same ideas to YOURSELF. It is time to step up to the challange and treat yourself better than you ever have.
Rather than pretend that competition doesn't exist in the complex world of disordered eating, I'd like to instead call us all on it. And challange us to begin to think differently. The competition doesn't work and whatever it is you want out of life you will not find it spending you time competiting with others, real or imaginary. Looking at the pictures in the gallery and trying to compete with their appearance won't help anything. There is nothing impressive about those bodies except their utter ability to remain living... which they are barely doing, and, actually, they have NO quality of life whatsoever and they are competing against yet another shadow figure themselves because the trick of anorexia/bulimia/overeating is that there is NO good enough available. So the disease will keep you trapped by having you chase the impossible while lying to yourself that it is possible. Try to see the truth in the pictures as they are meant to show how utterly undesireable and awful and painful and deadly the eating disorders are.
If you are currently involved with the competition among us (either in a support group or with a dieting buddie or disordered e-mail pal) please consider bringing the topic up and to the surface. Please.

About Eating Disorders-Ed or no no ed,this needs to be read

You will probably need some statistics and an intro before you read the proper blog below. Firstly, most people with Anorexia or an other eating disorder for that matter do not have a distinctive weight loss at all. 1 in 5 women have an eating disorder yet in real life (Yes the magazines are airbrushed and arent real) I have only seen one woman who was anorexic and severely underweight.It is a MENTAL disorder,a MENTAl one. 1 in 100 people have Anorexia, 2 in 100 have Bulimia. 1 in 5 anorexics is male-men DO get it too. The Anorexics who die are not all underweight as well, Anorexia caused many problems that people of all weights can have.
15-20% of Anorexics will die within 10 years of contracting the disorder,a further 15-20% will die within 20 years of contracting the disorder. Only 30-40% even fully recover and even in these circumstances it takes a minimum of 6 years as there is so much therapy to go through. The rest have to live with it for the rest of their (short) lives, and I personally think that the ones who die are luckier.Because it is such a horrible disorder.
Among some people struggling with anorexia is a competition with other anorexics. I see it in the hospital units and in the high schools and on the college campuses. Chronic anorexics can pick another anorexic out of the crowd in a heartbeat. They do tend to recognize each other, as if they are able to see into this "nether world" that "normal eaters" can not see. Although some skeletal bodies are obvious to everyone, even the bulimics and compulsive eaters can recognize one another before the "normal eater" can. (I put "normal eater" in quotes because if you are living in a westernized country chances are you do not have truly normal eating habits at all times, but if you don't have an actual eating disorder you are considered "normal"...
We see each other (eating disordered person to another eating disordered person) all the time. We assess each other with our eyes, and perhaps, rate ourselves against the other, asking: who's sicker? who's thinner? and other morbid questions (such as: does s/he have the body hair growing all over like I do? does s/he have the visible veins or ribs or collarbone?). This is a competition like no other. It is part of the illness. The illness dictates that we must starve and be thin... thinner... the thinnest. As we progress, we learn the details of emaciated bodies: how body hair thickens & grows (this is to keep the starving body warm) but the head hair thins & breaks (without nutrition), how ritualized food intake can actually get (taking up to hours to have one small meal, with calculated measurements and bites), how the bones begin to show (hips, collarbone, ribs, kneecaps, elbows...) and jut out through clothes, how wearing layers of clothes can help keep us warm and hide the diminishing flesh (though some of us will strip off the clothes in effort to "show off" our victorious anorexic frames, proud of the hard work we have endured, and secretly desperate for someone to notice our internal pain as it is nearly visible through our physical selves), and so much more.
We read the books, we especially love the personal accounts (Wasted of course, Life-Size by Jenefer Shute, The Passion Of Alice, and more), and we study our disease not to free ourselves from it, but to become experts. We ARE the experts. We peek at the pictures on the internet to see emaciated bodies on display, and we are part traumatized and part fascinated with it all. We are terribly clever people, very smart and very manipulative when we have to be in order to "protect" our disease. If we have the strength, we could write about it and the writing would be intense, scary, and powerful. If we end up in treatment and are not ready, we will play the role of "the worst anorexic" on the ward, we will happily compete with the other anorexics and soak up the love we get from the care-taking compulsive eaters and hostility from the bulimics... but we aren't going to be stopped by mere therapists... we are hunters always hunting and outright ignoring the feasts that are before us.
What are we doing??!?! What are we REALLY looking for?? What statement are we trying to make? We like the astonishment from others, yet we want to be left alone. We like the rituals we have, yet we are controlled by them (we have NO choice but to do them or our FEARS will take over). We are walking contradictions and we know it but we can't seem to get out of it.
Or do we want to stay this way?? Career anorexics will eventually die prematurely (some live longer than the untrained eye would suspect, while some die before their "careers" have even taken off), after a host of medical problems that will cause pain and discomfort but not death (for a while). Career anorexics are VERY VERY difficult for the mental and physical health communities to treat. Medical doctors don't understand us, they shake their heads and wonder why we would do such atrocities willingly, as they compare us to their cancer patients (but we DO have cancer, its a self-inflicted cancer, yes, but we don't know how to stop it now). Therapists find the challenge of chronic anorexics to be daunting, but the good ones will take them on and perhaps make a wedge between their real selves and their anorexic selves (despite how tight the love affair has grown). Psychiatrists will medicate us and we will reject them. "Normal eaters" will simply be on another planet to us, and vice versa.
The crack addict is also in his or her own world, with only other crack addicts to understand... the autistic, schizophrenic, manic-depressive, multiple identities, heroin junkies, sex addicts, gamblers, alcoholics... they know about each other too. Some of them try to help each other, some of them compete like we do. But unlike those illnesses, we are often given positive feedback from the outside world, the society, because our fragile thin bodies are sometimes seen as trophies. This makes it a bit more confusing. We also face the task that our DRUG OF CHOICE is one that we cannot be SOBER from. We can't learn to put down our cocaine and never taste it again, though we would like to! Food is not something we get to be completely abstinent from (nor should we, as it may, someday, be a delight again). Anorexia, because of these truths, becomes a VERY difficult disease to handle (for us and them).
We all knew Calista Flockhart was getting thinner before the press did. We secretly admire her (and the other famous skinnies). But we would prefer to have the media represent the REAL world which we ALL know is full of every size and shape imaginable.
Our "insiders" study of anorexia makes us the most qualified to help anorexics. So why aren't we? Some of us are, even before we have our own recovery firmly in place. Maybe if we can turn all this frantic, anorexic energy into something else, something positive, something fun... maybe we could organize and change some things on this planet, maybe we can come out from under our carefully-placed rocks and stop comparing our dying bodies and start to feed ourselves and each other instead. Feed our already brilliant (but quickly decaying) brains, find our EXTREMELY UNDERNOURISHED SOULS, find our broken hearts, and find our broken bodies. It would be a revolution like no other.
I do not have the "answer" but I have the experience. I have spoken to people who have had the anorexia life and the recovery life and from what they've said, the recovery life is MUCH better. You can get all there is to get out of anorexia in about three months of it (though it will take you years). But to get all there is to get out of recovery will take the rest of your (longer) life.
Stuck in anorexia, I do not feel the magic of the wind on my face. Stuck in anorexia, I do not feel the true sparkle of laughter or the warmth in friendship or the giddy smile in playfulness. Im missing out on everything around me and even those things I am directly involved in! I am so utterly lost, I tell you my friends, and it hurts and the hurt does NOT actually get healed as the scale goes down, that turned out to be a bright shinning LIE. My loving and silly personality has got swallowed up and I have became as DULL as my eyes sometimes are (you know that empty anorexic stare, like in the girls' photos on this page). I understand I am searching for something, I am trying to fix things, I am trying to feel better and get the attention I crave (all humans crave it, you know, its not a bad thing), and find a spirituality that feels right, and find power and control and strength...
I had the right intentions, I really did. We all do. ALL PEOPLE WITH EATING DISORDERS (not just anorexia! I'm never just talking about anorexia because the disorders are all tied in together, its a blurry thing)...
ALL OF US: We are the nicest of people, the most sensitive of people... and this world could really use us, alive and well!!
Please try to stop, or at least calm down, the competing for sickest. The winning prize is NOTHING. I've heard about tons of people who would have been considered "winners" in this very sick game, and TRUST ME, they had NOTHING. No happiness, no self, no MIND of their own (it stops working you know, it EATS ITSELF up), NOTHING that anyone (even them) would want. Don't continue to LIE to yourself, because you know I'm telling the truth. It is so hard, so so very hard, but we have gotten on the WRONG PATH and no matter how far we take this path it is NOT going to be what we thought it would be. I've lost months of my life to this stupid path, that once looked so pretty and so perfect for me, and I see now that it isn't even a path at all, its a dumb horrible circle that never goes anywhere and just leaves you dizzy and tired and sick and no better off than before you got caught in it.
I want to UNTANGLE this WEB and I need your help. All you have to do to help me is think about these things and write about your own thoughts and start giving your energy to something positive instead of the eating disorder and do whatever you can to begin to pull yourself out of it...
the more of us who begin to pull and tug and try to break free the less of a huge overwhelming web it will be...
Ask yourself: Is this struggle worth it? For what? To endure this and then die???!!??

Dear Anorexia

I want to cut the water
You "let" her drink
"Let" her eat
I want to cut that water
Slice it silly
Make it squirm
Burn
Hurt
You ought to die
Be cut off and Broken
Belittled
You mother fucker ­
How you drown these girls
Take them in your arms
As if to cradleÉ
Promising of hugs
To never come
And then it's a break
A hurdle
Fast forward to the finish line
Blurry lines
Boundary lines
Broken time
You eat at me ­ grind my soul
Rip me Pull me
Asunder
Under
Fuck her
You don't deserve her -
She is better
Legs spread
Because she believes she will get nothing better
And it's you who have convinced her
Told her
She isn't beautiful
When she is
Told her
She isn't worthwhile
When she is
She is
God Dam you
Shun you
Shame on you
I fucking hate you
Making her hate herself
Making her doubt herself
She'll ignore her insides for you
She'll discount her instinct
She'll do it all for you
Dancing until she passes out
And you will never come through
You will never reward
You will just punish
PUNISH
All the discipline all the anger all the punishment
None of the hugs none of the parental unconditional love
Not once
Not ever
But you'll manage to still replace her parents
You'll replace her friends
Who may not get it, may be ignorant
But at least they are fucking nice to her
You'll never be nice to her
You will eat her up
At the same time telling her she eats too much
You ugly fat fuck
How can this be happening?
Why don't you take the slimy boys?
The greasy ones who make uncomfortable eyes at everyone?
Why don't you take them
Bend them
Break them
Tear gapping holes in their lives??
Why don't you prey upon the murderers, the rapists
The thieves that will take anything as long as it's free?
Why are you messing with the vulnerable?
The unknowing teens?
Are you such a weak fuck
you have to pick the ones already hurting?
Take those who give themselves to you willingly?
Are you not even up for a fight?
You misleading mother fucker, you have no taste
YOU DISGRACE.
Skinny didn't win the race.

Tuesday 1 January 2008

Who is Hey Jupiter?

A lot of people ask who this character of Jupiter is.She comes from a Tori Amos song called "Hey Jupiter"and here is who I think she is,based on the song and the music video for the song.I think the burning building signifies the girl in the videos life and the little girl who rescues the girl signifies the girls past life and who she used to be. The girl has got to the bottom of the hole shes in and has given up on herself.She has waited and waited for someone else to come along and save her from herself.She is so fed up of waiting that she has lost all hope and dosnt care anymore.But then at the end of the video when the little girl appears,she finally remembers the promise she made to herself so long ago-not to give up on herself.She realizes that in order for others to help her, she has to make the first move towards getting herself out.She finally realizes at the end that in fact, people have been trying to rescue her, but she has not noticed as she was so far in to her hole.

no one's picking up the phoneguess it's me and me and this little masochistshe's ready to confessall the things that i never thoughtthat she could feel andhey jupiternothings been the same so are you gay are you bluethought we both could use a friendto run toand i thought i wouldn't have to bewith you something newsometimes i breathe you inand i know you knowand sometimes you take a swimfound your writing on my wallif my hearts soaking wetboy your boots can leave a messhey jupiternothings been the sameso are you gayare you bluethought we both could use a friendto run toand i thought you wouldn't have to keepwith mehidingthought i knew myself so wellall the dolls i hadtook my leather off the shelfyour apocalypse was fabfor a girl who couldn't choose betweenthe shower or the bathand i thought i wouldn't have to bewith youa magazineno one's picking up the phoneguess it's clear he's goneand this little masochistis lifting up her dressguess i thought i could never feelthe things i feelhey jupiterso are you gayare you bluethought we both could use a friend to run tohey jupiternothing's been the sameso are you safenow we're throughthought we both could use a friend to run tohey jupiteri go from day to dayi know where the cupboards arei know where the car is parkedi know he isn't you

The Mercy Killings Of Our Eating Disorder Machines

Why do we keep doing it?
Even after we come up empty?
Why do we fight our bodies,
when we know, somewhere inside,
deep inside
that they are not the enemy?
Why do we choose to engage in this particular struggle
as oppose to another?
Maybe we're all more comfortable here,
limited, yes,
but somehow safe that way ~
confined within our shrinking selves
our own walls closing inÉ
Tucking us in,
a lullaby
no one else can hear.
But why do we persist,
even after we come up lonely,
in our self-imposed isolation,
year after year?
What do you expect will be different?
From yesterday to tomorrow?
From last month to next year?
At some point we all recognize the dance ~
the strange, comforting rhythm,
of sickness
followed by intervention
of promises
followed by broken ones
of secrets
followed by necessary lies
of just-once-more-getting-away-with-it
followed by our own fears,
our loved ones' criesÉ
That soon-painfully-predictable cycle
of ultimatums and boundaries and limits and lines
followed by the Hopelessness
felt even by the professionals,
by those that have been successfulÉ
That unbearable, sticky Hopelessness
that gathers speed and starts to nag at us
That tiny, silent sigh of relief,
underneath the showcase of protests,
when we are finally stopped by someone else ~
a doctor, a treatment center, a life support machine.
Is that the end we're hoping for?
Someone,
something,
else to support our life,
even if it's a cold, unfeeling machine?
Why do we go on, refusing to do it,
To support our own lives?
Why do we wait?
And suffer
and live
a life of pain
'til something, someone, else is forced to break in?
Why do we keep doing it?
Long after we know
that we will always come up empty?
Why do we fight our bodies,
when we could just start to believe,
somewhere inside,
deep inside
our cold, unfeeling eating disorder machines,
that our Body,
our Life,
is not the enemy?